Heroine

All my life my weight has been an issue in my life. It didn’t matter if I was a size six or the size I’m now. I have never been happy with my weight. And, yes, at one time I was a size six. That was the size of my wedding dress. Always. No matter what, I have not been happy. Which of course is crazy, but I bet you think about it all the time, too. And, if you don’t your lucky. We are an image-obsessed society. It is headline news this week that Angelina Jolie gained 10 pounds. Why is this news? Yet, at the same time 2/3 of the American population is obese. I KNOW what to do. I don’t need another lecture or book to tell me what to eat. For Christ’s sake I just got my certification in Holistic Nutrition. I know I need to exercise. For me it is an emotional issue. I would be so into a class that talked about our emotional issues with food and worthiness.

After a year of contemplating my relationship to food I have had some realizations. My self-esteem problems stem from an early age. I distinctly remember being in the car with my dad and he called me fat. Puberty had hit and I went from eating anything I wanted to gaining weight. My best friend had nicknamed me Bones because I was so skinny. No one told me what was happening. All of a sudden I was pudgy and my Dad said I was fat. I lost all that weight when I stopped eating candy. But still those words hurt. Did he say it to be mean? Probably not. Parents say lots of things and forget them. However, unintentional, children take in the words and they can hurt for years. I know, I have a daughter who is even more sensitive than I am (if that is possible). I feel like I have to watch what I say with her everyday since she takes things so personally. Now, I am working on letting go of anything that I have taken in from my parents that is not mine and does not work in my life. It has made things very interesting between my parents and I. I am always working on clearing shit out and working at my highest vibration. When you clear stuff from your parents you start to resonate with them in ways they are not used to. It takes patience and awareness to stay out of that drama.

Have you read Eat. Pray. Love by Elizabeth Gilbert? I haven’t but saw her on Oprah. My whole year of releasing crap was summed up by her, on that show. Would I have recognized if I had not already been doing this maybe, maybe not. Oprah asked her how she could go do what she did. (eat pasta for months in Italy, work in ashram in India, love in Bali). She said (paraphrasing here) “I did not get the memo that said I could not be the hero in my life.” Thank the Goddess for the DVR!. I backed it up and watched her say this over and over. Because I GOT THE MEMO! I believe the MEMO! Everyone women in my family has gotten that memo. I can be the hero in my life? What does that feel like? OMG why did I believe this memo. With all the lights dinging and have several A-HA moments in the span of five or so minutes. I realize that not only can I be the hero, I have to be the heroine in my life. And, only I can control my happiness. I am sure I have heard this in one variation or another. But, this time I got it, took it in and KNOW IT. You cannot feel unworthy and be a Hero. I have to be my Champion and even if I don’t feel like it I have to do it. No one else will. I do not have to live my parents life, I am not a martyr and it is not selfish of me to take care of myself.

These are my new mantras:

I AM the heroine in my life.
I AM the one who controls my happiness.

What does not make me happy is my weight. So, after much contemplation I decided it was time for action. Not just thinking and not just kinda trying. But committed action. I joined Weight Watchers. It is working for me because I have committed to be being healthy and happy. I cannot wait until the day I am un-busy. My life is always insane and probably will be. This is me putting myself first. I was also inspired by Leanne. Who I know is just as busy I am. Yet, she committed to taking care of herself. Kudos, to her for having the courage to share her journey and inspire others. Thank you.

It was funny that the first week I joined the discussion was on changing our words and not viewing this as a diet but a lifestyle. Every time I read or heard the word diet all I could see or hear was DIE. Talk about a negative vibration. No wonder diets fail, three out of four letters spell D I E.

I am pleased to say that I have lost. And, it feels great:

Week 1: 3.2
Week 2: 1.2

Total 4.4 pounds