Anniversary

Today is the first anniversary of my Grandfather’s passing. I was able to see him before he died. I know he knew who I was in my heart, even if he did not recognize me. He called me by my mother’s and my niece’s name. That is the most heartbreaking thing….to be called someone else, by someone you love. I had gone to see him before I would let my kids see him. We were going to take the whole family to see him that weekend. My kids were so mad at me for not letting them see him. Personally, I think it was better. He was in so much pain, he was incoherant.

The funeral turned into the Dramatic Event of the year. Not only, were my kids a complete mess, crying constantly. My Uncle planned the event in its entirity and would not allow anyone else do anything that was not scripted. I was not allowed to read what I wrote, which you will find below. Needless, to say this has caused a huge division in the family. This same Uncle is planning a memorial this Sunday and is expecting the family. If this Uncle would allow others to express their beliefs, things would be so much better. I am happy that he is such a devout Catholic. It works for him. I am not. And, never will be. I would not push my beliefs on him and wish he would do the same. I am all for people having their rituals, as long as they understand not everyone views things the same way. I know he thinks I am some kind of crazed Pagan. If he only knew. But, I believe we go on living after we cross out of this life. I am able to speak to my Grandparents and my Sister. The have sent messages of support to the family at this time. I will send those to my mother and she will pass them out if she sees fit.

My Grandmother has been gone 15 years this month and he never held a service for her, my sister has been gone 13 years and no service for her. Now, he feels the need to do this thing for my Grandfather and BTW their will be a candle for the Grandmother and Sister. My Grandparents are Methodist. And, my sister was Born-Again whatever you call it….Many other members of the family are Spiritual and not Religous. It is disheartning to see the family so divided.

This is what I wrote last year:

I recently read this quote:
“We do not remember days, we remember moments.”
My grandfather gave me these moments: Moments that include the house and
the backyard: the garden, picking raspberries, gladiolas, the boat,
fishing, Christmas Eve with the seemingly tiny tree and mounds of
presents, remember the popcorn balls and the maple sugar candy I waited
all year for those. Finally, after the presents were opened we could go
into the kitchen and Grandpa would reach way up to the top of the
refrigerator and we would get those awesome popcorn balls and the maple
sugar candy was divine. Remember Sunday dinners I recall the red
leather furniture, the dining room table, his desk: I loved that desk
and I always wanted to poke through all the nooks and crannys. At 15, I
decided I could drive his car , and ya know I could probably have driven
it, if I had known how to do a 5 point turn to get out the garage. Not
only did I damage the car but the garage did not fare that well either.
While I was in college, he accidentally hit my car. While I know it was
a mistake and he felt badly about it, I wonder if it gave him a chuckle
all the same. He always brought home my favorites, when I lived with
them in college. Which is how I ended up with a garage full of Pepsi. And,
when my beauty supplies threatened to overtake the bathroom, I came home
to a lovely shelf, put up to contain them. He was there for graduations,
marriages, births and deaths. He was the calm in the devasting storm
that was Lizzy’s accident. While you never quite knew what he heard, you
always knew he saw everything that was going on and did not miss a
trick. The magic of the hearing aid was such that he did not have to get
caught up in the all the words, he saw us as we are meant to be seen: at
our best, our worst and in all our glory. He loved us. He loved taking
care of us and we were blessed with his generosity. These are but a few
of the moments that live in my heart.

My grandmother gave me a precious gift. She was talking about how it
would be when she passed over and I told her to stop talking about as I
could not see the point and it was too upsetting to discuss. She turned
around from that stove with her hands on her hips and said in only the
way that Janet could “You will not shed one tear for me when I am gone!
You will REJOICE! For I will have gone home to the Kingdom.”
I said, “I highly doubt that.”
She happily replied with a glow on her face, “I will have become the
most magnificent butterfly that defies the imagination. I will spread my
wings and fly and I will be free.”
This blessing tells us of not of beginnings and endings but, of
transformations in all their glorious manifestations. Forest begins his
transformation and it brings him gigantic wings of the richest greens,
browns and golds. Wings so full of colors & light it burns the eyes. And
so, we send Forrest, our beloved father, grandfather, great grandfather,
brother, friend, on a new journey, a new adventure. We call forth all
those that have gone before: Janet in her purple grace, Sally in her
joyous oranges and yellows, & Lizzy in her pink wonderment, we call
forth all those named and unnamed to welcome Forrest and show him the
way Fly Free… Fly in Peace….
And so it is….
Blessed Be